I remember the days where I would wake up, anxious and nervous.
Feeling as if I had to be somewhere. Achieve something. Prove myself.
If not, I’d be a failure.
For years I’d push myself. Packing my schedule with a fulltime job, different side-projects, exercising and going out.
I thought if I just push through and keep working hard, I’ll get somewhere.
But I was craving a different reality. I wanted to experience bliss, love and flow.
I wanted to create meaningful things because I have something to share that deserves to be heard. Not because I pressured myself to produce something.
I wanted to have a job where I could connect with people, inspire them, truly make a difference in their lives. I wanted to do something that would deeply satisfy me. I was tired of doing what I was supposed to do: get a university degree, get a job, save money, acquire material things to fill the void of what was lacking inside of me.
I couldn’t carry on like this.
I was sick of not feeling good enough. I was sick of compensating my lack of self-worth with overworking and material overconsumption. I was sick of living other people’s life.
I couldn’t ignore my truth anymore. My truth is to be free, do my own thing, flow through life, guide and inspire people along the way.
The universe heard my calls and had sent people in my life to help me break free from the golden cage I was living in.
Step by step I was letting go of the things that didn’t resonated with my true Self anymore.
It was painful. Shedding all these layers I had built up throughout the years.
All the emotions that I wasn’t able to express because I didn’t want to be considered weak. I didn’t want to show that I was hurt because I was taught to be strong and carry on with whatever I was doing.
They were all stuck in my body and had to be felt. For weeks I’d cry and it didn’t seem like it was going to stop.. There were moments where I thought I was in a full-on depression and I wanted to call the depression hotline to get professional help.
But it passed.
I allowed the pain to be felt. I opened up to the people who had hurt me and forgave them. I’d stay with myself when I felt sad or anxious instead of seeking distraction and comfort with external things.
Every time it became less painful. Every time the feelings would melt away. Every time I went through the emotions, I returned to something that remained the same.
Now I experience such calmness in my mind and body. When I close my eyes and tune in with myself, I feel as if I’m anchored in the earth. I still go through the motions, but essence remains: quiet, stable, deep and expansive.
I don’t feel I have to go somewhere anymore. I’m finally home.
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